AN OPEN LETTER FROM DOUGLAS KAINE MCKELVEY REFUTING ACCUSATIONS THAT HE IS "DKM."
Assorted readers have asked me from time to time if I am not (in addition to being myself which, mind you, is usually taxing enough) the enigmatic and anonymous author DKM. In such moments I turn almost to face my inquisitor, tilt my head slightly for effect, and mutter “Don’t be absurd.”
“But you list his book, Subjects With Objects, Vol I on your site!” is the oft-repeated rejoinder. YES, I DO! What else would you have me do? Because so many people stumble onto my website looking for DKM anyway, it is in the end far easier to give a bit of space to list DKM’s book here (collecting from him a few copper coins for the service), and let the public think what it will, than it is to spend time and energy fighting this constant battle of denial. If it somehow makes a person’s life more livable to believe that I am he—fine. Let them go ahead and believe it. Other than the slight associative tarnish it gives to my own name, I see no great harm in it. Just as I see no great harm in a person believing in okapis and sasquatches. If it soothes or delights you, I say, by all means do not let the strictures of reality stand in your way! Believe that Douglas Kaine McKelvey and DKM are the same entity, if you like. Believe in mudhens! Believe in faeries! There is no law against illogic. Perhaps you would even enjoy imagining me a sasquatch! I would not forbid you this fancy.
All I ask is that you DO NOT ASSUME that because you enjoyed a book written by me that you will similarly enjoy one written by DKM, or vice versa (though the second scenario would be by far the more preferable of the two false assumptions). Peruse the works of DKM if you dare, but do not say I did not warn you.
Because I did warn you. I’M WARNING YOU NOW!
Sincerely and with all gravity,
Douglas "Okapi-Kaine" McKelvey
How Could I Possibly Be Any Other Than He Whom I Am?
For those who require further logical proof that Douglas Kaine McKelvey and DKM are distinctly separate entities, the author has detailed such proofs HERE.
1. DKM and I have never (NEVER) been seen in the same room together. If we were the same person, would we not ALWAYS be seen in the same room together? As this has never happened, it is an easy conclusion to draw that he and I cannot possibly be the same person.
2. Most of my books have been written for children. DKM writes for… Honestly, after looking at his works I have no idea who or what he’s writing for, but it is most certainly not for children. [Except for perhaps some rather odd and exceptional children with rather advanced and/or sullied senses of humor.]
3. In the foreword of one of his books, DKM makes reference to a painter in a pub quaffing a pint. I have never in the foreword of any of my books mentioned a painter anywhere quaffing anything. I challenge any naysayer to prove me wrong on this point.
4. There are (at best) two photos of DKM in existence. Probably only one. The authenticity of the second has been disputed from the moment it was posted on the internet (2013). There are however, on the other hand, hundreds of photos of me, many of them VERIFIED SIGHTINGS. How could Douglas McKelvey and DKM possibly be the same writer, then? It’s absurd, right? I agree.
5. People say I am better looking than DKM is, at least based on the one available photo of him, which is in profile and captures him in the act of eating a hamburger. Admittedly, it is difficult for anyone to appear handsome in profile while eating an unweildy burger, but DKM seems to have found it even more difficult than most. On the other hand, DKM is generally considered to be more mysterious than I am (and there is that segment of the population that finds mysteriousness alluring), but I say “Whatever.” Mysteriousness is overrated and often merely a smokescreen thrown up to cover insecurities. I suspect DKM attempts to cultivate an aire of mystery precisely because he fears the prospect of others seeing him as he truly is. Personally, I don’t call that mysterious. I call it pathetic.
6. The intials “DKM” are hardly catchy. They are, on the contrary, rather cumbersome. Why would any sane author willingly choose such an awkward moniker? From a marketing standpoint, this move is more or less nonsensical. Also, why would I want to double the investment of time and money required to market books under two distinct names? I scarcely have time to market under my own name!
7. My books are 31% sweetness and light, 41% lyrical artistry, 1% saccharine sappiness, and 49% a layering of literary themes and symbolism (these numbers are accurate as there is a certain percentage of overlap between categories). Also, one does not need to preview my books out of a fear that they might give a nine-year-old child nightmares. One can more or less trust that my books will not (unless that child is oddly and exceptionally sensitive, and more or less fearful of books and words in general). DKM’s tomes on the other hand are equal parts absurdity, frivolity, oddness, humor, and some indefinable shadowy substance that coats the imagination with a dark film like a coal-grime.
8. Finally, DKM utilizes the distinct twitter feed @QuothDKM which is quite at odds with my own twitter handle of @QuothDouglas. And he has his own unique author pages on Amazon and Goodreads. So how, I ask again, could we possibly be the same person? The very idea is so farfetched as to be laughable. HaHA! See there? I’m laughing at the very idea right now, and if you are as sensible as I suppose you must be, you are probably laughing as well.
In the end, I cannot legally prevent you from purchasing DKM’s works, but I daresay you will PROBABLY NOT LIKE THEM!
"Can a man be his own shadow?"
--Douglas Kaine McKelvey
Who Is DKM?
No one really knows who DKM is or what he does. He is a mystery even to himself. This might be the only photo of DKM in existence. Almost certainly it is the only photo of him with a beard eating a sandwich. The reason that sounds funny is because beards don't eat sandwiches.